Politician ...

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Politician is a one who takes a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

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Challenge!

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A computer once beat me at chess, then I challenged it for a kick boxing.

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Politicians and Diapers

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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.... the shit!

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Children

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Children:

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to how to speak. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to shut-up.

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Speed of light ...

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Light travels faster than sound. That is the reason some people appear more bright until you hear them speak

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Arguing with an idiot

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience....

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Evolution

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They say human beings are evolved from monkeys...

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Cell phones

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Dear, I am worried about the microwave effect of the cell phones... 

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Doughnuts!

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Iv'e heard he uses his false teeth to scallop the edges of his pies.

That's nothing  - You want to see what he uses to put the holes in doughnuts!

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Why do cows have horns?

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Why do cows have horns? Because their horns don't work!

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Ticket please!

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Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

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Wait a minute!

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Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

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Sweet potatoes

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A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his sweet potatoes. An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow sweet potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The irritated Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our mouths!... not for...." somehow he controlled himself.

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Deadly injection

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A man was injected with a deadly poison, but, it did not kill him. Why?

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Because He was already dead!

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Stupid husband ...

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The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"

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LOVE

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If the person you love doesn't love you back

then you are the letter ‘E’ in the word  'LOVE' 

because You are there but never pronounced.... 

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Stand up comedy

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