Wednesday, December 31, 2008

English Jokes joks gags jags : Is There Baseball In Heaven?

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Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."


The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.


A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."


"What's the bad news?"


"You're pitching on Wednesday."

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Monday, December 29, 2008

English jokes : No No No

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English jokes : No No No

A man with a 25 inch long weenie goes to his doctor to complain that he

is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more

than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there

anything you can do for me?


The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do

know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him

directions to the witch.


The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my weenie is

25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are

my only hope."


The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I

think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into

the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog

sitting on a log. This frog has magical powers. You must say to frog,

will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less

to your problem."


The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out

to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO!"

The man looked down and suddenly his wee was 5 inches shorter.


"WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" However he realized it's

still too long at 20 inches, so he asked the frog to marry him again."

"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"


The man felt another twitch in his pants, looked down, and it was

another

5 inches shorter.


The man laughed,"This is fantastic." He looked down again, 15 inches

long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster,

just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond

and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times

do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!

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Wednesday, December 24, 2008

English Blond jokes - Come home

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A blond rang her boy friend, " Darling come to my home today 6 O clock in the evening... because today nobody is there at my home.

As per her girl friend blond's boy friend reached blond's house exactly at 6 O clock in the evening and searched the whole house for about an hour because literally there was nobody at home... not even the blond.

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Monday, December 22, 2008

English Funny questions puzzles - A quiz question

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Question - There were 10 fishes in the tank 6 of them drowned how many were alive in the fish tank?

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answer-10... fish dont drown

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Monday, December 15, 2008

English jokes gags funy comedy questions : Asking the RIGHT question

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Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.


Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"


So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"


The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."


Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.


Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."


And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"


To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

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Friday, December 12, 2008

cheating jokes : Cheeting Wife

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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the

Head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny

on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the

name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.


Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on

the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. "Your horse phoned"

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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

English jokes joks gags : Difference between world & heaven.

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He said, "God?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the Guy said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead", God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man wondered.

Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."

So the man said, "God can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said,

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*

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"Sure!...... .just wait a second."

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Monday, December 8, 2008

English jokes : Federal Court Judges

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On break down of his car on a country road one late night, a Federal court judge went up to a farm house looking for help.


A little beautiful lady answered and heard his problem. She told him that she was alone and since it was late, he would have to wait till morning for the garrage to open.


The judge:"In that case, I seek your permission to stay the night in your house".


The lady: "But, Sir, I am alone".


The judge : "No need to fear. After all, I am a federal court judge".


The lady: "But, Sir, here have only one bedroom".


The judge : "No need to fear. After all, I am a federal court judge".


They went to the bedroom & the lady said; "But, Sir, we have only one bed",


The judge: "No need to fear. After all, I am a federal court judge".


So they shared the bed and went to sleep, he facing this side and she facing that side.


In the morning, as they were passing the poultry towards the gate, the judge sensed something and watched closely. He saw there were about 20 hens & about 60 cocks.


As he asked the lady how so, she patiently explained, "Of these 60 cocks, only 10 are cocks. All others are Federal Court Judges".

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Friday, December 5, 2008

English Jokes - Bihar Driving licence application form

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BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM (Bihar Driving licence application form)

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NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.

becas he is the one who gibves the licen. (Note - Please Do not shoot the person at the application counter because he is the one who gives the licence)

For instruktions, see bottom applikason.(For instruction, see bottom application)

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1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no (Don't know)

(Check karet box) (Check the correct box)

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2. First name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no (Don't know)

(Check karet box) (Check the correct box)

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3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no (Don't know)

(Check karet box)

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4. Sex: ____ (Laloo) _____ (Rabri)

5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

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6.Occupason:

(_) Dacoit (_) Rapeist (_) Kidanapper (_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_)

Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)

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7. Number of children libing (लीभींग) in the household: ___

8. Read #7 agen & anser here: ___

9. Mather name: ____________ _________ __

10. Phather Name: ____________ ________ (don't leave blank)

11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 ............ .. (Circle highest grade completed)

12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow(yellow) (_) Berownish- ellow (brownish yellow) (_) Berown (brown) (_) Belack(black) (_) Other

-__________ Give egjhakt (exact) color

(Check karet box)

14. Ice seight (Eye sight):

(_) One Ice (eye)(2x1) (_) Two Ice (eye)(2x2) (_) Half blind (_) Day blind (_) Night blind (_) 4/4 (_)6/6

15.Your thumb imparesson (impression) :

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)


PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS (fingers) OF YOUR LEGS

Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you don't have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.


NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.


WE ARE VARY ISTRICT (strict) ABOUT THIS

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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

English jokes : Dying of AIDS

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Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.


When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"


The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"

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Monday, December 1, 2008

English jokes - Blacks on moon

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Q: What do you call one black on the moon?

A: Problem

Q: What do you call ten blacks on the moon?

A: Problems

Q: What do you call the entire black population on the moon?

A: Problem solved

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