Friday, February 29, 2008

Thermos flask (post-11)

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A blond goes into a store and sees a shining object. He asks the clerk,

"What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask."

The blond then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."

The blond says, "I'll take it!"

The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos.

His blond boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"

He said, "It's a thermos flask."

The boss then says, "What does it do?"

He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"

The blond replies, "Two cups of tea and a coke."

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Thermos flask (post-11)

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.

A blond goes into a store and sees a shining object. He asks the clerk,

"What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask."

The blond then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."

The blond says, "I'll take it!"

The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos.

His blond boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"

He said, "It's a thermos flask."

The boss then says, "What does it do?"

He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"

The blond replies, "Two cups of tea and a coke."

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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Math one-liner

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If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

How old are you?

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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six!” he said.

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Friday, February 15, 2008

Is there a way to thank you?

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"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."


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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Social Security

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A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

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Monday, February 11, 2008

A cool guy

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Husband - (to wife) My friend is so cool that whatever happens he never looses his mind.

Once we were standing below an appartment. A lady threw butter from her balcony and coincidently it dropped on my friends head.

Wife - Then .. .what did he say?

Husband - He looked up at the lady and said, ' My dear lady will you drop some bread too'

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Friday, February 8, 2008

Busy businessmen

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Two businessmen were talking in the party-

First - Nowadays I am so busy that I go to work before my kids wake up and come back after they sleep. Once I came home early. My daughter opened the door and asked, ' Whom do you want?'

Second - I am so busy that I could not get time even to eat.

First - Don't get time even to eat! Then how do you manage.

Second - I take lunch in the night and dinner in the morning.

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Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Electric Train

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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Sunday, February 3, 2008

Generous lawyer

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A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again."or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

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Friday, February 1, 2008

Make sure!

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Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'

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