Wednesday, December 31, 2008

English Jokes joks gags jags : Is There Baseball In Heaven?

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Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."


The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.


A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."


"What's the bad news?"


"You're pitching on Wednesday."

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Monday, December 29, 2008

English jokes : No No No

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English jokes : No No No

A man with a 25 inch long weenie goes to his doctor to complain that he

is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more

than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there

anything you can do for me?


The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do

know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him

directions to the witch.


The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my weenie is

25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are

my only hope."


The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I

think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into

the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog

sitting on a log. This frog has magical powers. You must say to frog,

will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less

to your problem."


The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out

to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO!"

The man looked down and suddenly his wee was 5 inches shorter.


"WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" However he realized it's

still too long at 20 inches, so he asked the frog to marry him again."

"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"


The man felt another twitch in his pants, looked down, and it was

another

5 inches shorter.


The man laughed,"This is fantastic." He looked down again, 15 inches

long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster,

just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond

and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times

do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!

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Wednesday, December 24, 2008

English Blond jokes - Come home

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A blond rang her boy friend, " Darling come to my home today 6 O clock in the evening... because today nobody is there at my home.

As per her girl friend blond's boy friend reached blond's house exactly at 6 O clock in the evening and searched the whole house for about an hour because literally there was nobody at home... not even the blond.

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Monday, December 22, 2008

English Funny questions puzzles - A quiz question

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Question - There were 10 fishes in the tank 6 of them drowned how many were alive in the fish tank?

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answer-10... fish dont drown

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Monday, December 15, 2008

English jokes gags funy comedy questions : Asking the RIGHT question

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Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.


Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"


So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"


The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."


Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.


Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."


And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"


To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

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Friday, December 12, 2008

cheating jokes : Cheeting Wife

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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the

Head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny

on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the

name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.


Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on

the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. "Your horse phoned"

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Previous Joke

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

English jokes joks gags : Difference between world & heaven.

Previous Joke

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He said, "God?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the Guy said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead", God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man wondered.

Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."

So the man said, "God can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said,

*

*

*

"Sure!...... .just wait a second."

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Monday, December 8, 2008

English jokes : Federal Court Judges

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On break down of his car on a country road one late night, a Federal court judge went up to a farm house looking for help.


A little beautiful lady answered and heard his problem. She told him that she was alone and since it was late, he would have to wait till morning for the garrage to open.


The judge:"In that case, I seek your permission to stay the night in your house".


The lady: "But, Sir, I am alone".


The judge : "No need to fear. After all, I am a federal court judge".


The lady: "But, Sir, here have only one bedroom".


The judge : "No need to fear. After all, I am a federal court judge".


They went to the bedroom & the lady said; "But, Sir, we have only one bed",


The judge: "No need to fear. After all, I am a federal court judge".


So they shared the bed and went to sleep, he facing this side and she facing that side.


In the morning, as they were passing the poultry towards the gate, the judge sensed something and watched closely. He saw there were about 20 hens & about 60 cocks.


As he asked the lady how so, she patiently explained, "Of these 60 cocks, only 10 are cocks. All others are Federal Court Judges".

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Friday, December 5, 2008

English Jokes - Bihar Driving licence application form

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BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM (Bihar Driving licence application form)

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NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.

becas he is the one who gibves the licen. (Note - Please Do not shoot the person at the application counter because he is the one who gives the licence)

For instruktions, see bottom applikason.(For instruction, see bottom application)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no (Don't know)

(Check karet box) (Check the correct box)

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2. First name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no (Don't know)

(Check karet box) (Check the correct box)

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3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no (Don't know)

(Check karet box)

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4. Sex: ____ (Laloo) _____ (Rabri)

5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

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6.Occupason:

(_) Dacoit (_) Rapeist (_) Kidanapper (_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_)

Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)

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7. Number of children libing (लीभींग) in the household: ___

8. Read #7 agen & anser here: ___

9. Mather name: ____________ _________ __

10. Phather Name: ____________ ________ (don't leave blank)

11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 ............ .. (Circle highest grade completed)

12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow(yellow) (_) Berownish- ellow (brownish yellow) (_) Berown (brown) (_) Belack(black) (_) Other

-__________ Give egjhakt (exact) color

(Check karet box)

14. Ice seight (Eye sight):

(_) One Ice (eye)(2x1) (_) Two Ice (eye)(2x2) (_) Half blind (_) Day blind (_) Night blind (_) 4/4 (_)6/6

15.Your thumb imparesson (impression) :

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)


PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS (fingers) OF YOUR LEGS

Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you don't have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.


NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.


WE ARE VARY ISTRICT (strict) ABOUT THIS

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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

English jokes : Dying of AIDS

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Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.


When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"


The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"

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Monday, December 1, 2008

English jokes - Blacks on moon

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Q: What do you call one black on the moon?

A: Problem

Q: What do you call ten blacks on the moon?

A: Problems

Q: What do you call the entire black population on the moon?

A: Problem solved

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Previous Joke

Friday, November 28, 2008

English jokes - Nigro's nostrils

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Q: Why are black peoples nostrils so big?

A: Because that's what God held them by when he was painting them.

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

English jokes - Three retird persons chatting

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English jokes - Three retird persons chatting

Three retird persons were talking. All three were quite aged thererfore they were not able to hear properly.

First retired person - Today is thursday... isn't it?

Second retired person - No... it's thursday today.

Third retired person - I see... I thought its thursday today.


English retired jokes, old age jokes, old man jokes, old jokes, funny old jokes, funy english jokes, english joks, english pure jokes, english aha jokes, english garden jokes, english office jokes

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Monday, November 24, 2008

English jokes videos photos - Chapel Effect

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English jokes, English photos, English comedy, English vinod, English sahitya, English fun, English videos, English cinema, English movies, English entertainment

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

English Jokes - Where are you from?

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The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.


The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"


"Sam," the cowboy moaned.


"Where ya from, Sam?"


With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

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Monday, November 17, 2008

English jokes - A query

Previous Joke

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Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.


English jokes, English comedy, European jokes comedy, English vinod, English gags, English fun, English funny photos videos, English Tv, English films, English cinema, English entertainment

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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

English jokes - conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian

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This was a conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian

authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in late 1995.


Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south

to avoid a collision.


Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north

to avoid a collision.


Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees

to the south to avoid a collision.


Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,

divert YOUR course.


Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.


Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second

largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We

are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers

and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change

your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's

one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be

undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.


Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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Friday, November 7, 2008

A funny toilet sign -

Previous Joke

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A funny toilet sign -



English jokes, English comedy, English photos, English videos, jokes duniya, English gags, English comedy express, jokes tv, comedy cinema, funny songs, comedy tv

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Wednesday, November 5, 2008

English comedy jokes photos pictures - Sardar's trick

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Afraid that someone will take away your slippers when you leave them outside the place of worship?


Follow the same method as this genius sardar!

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English sardar jokes, English jokes, English crispy jokes, English blond jokes, English funny photo, English funny picture, English funny images, English laughter, English latife, English chutkule

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Friday, October 24, 2008

English Comedy photos - A hunter sleeps tired of hunting ....

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English Comedy photos - A hunter sleeps tired of hunting ....


English comedy funny photos imagaes pictures, english jokes, english gags, english fun, english funny videos clips, english funny literature, english cinems songs sher shayari

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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

English Jokes - Santa in the party

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Sardar learning English introduces his family in the party:

Hi! I am sardar,

This is my sardarni,

He is my kid,

and she is my kidney.

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Friday, October 17, 2008

English Jokes - A Matter Of Punctuation...

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An English professor wrote the words,

"Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Very funny photos - A funny advertisement

Previous Joke

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Very funny photos - A funny advertisement



Very Funny funy photos, Very funny funy videos, English jokes joks, English comedy comdy, English humor humour, blod jokes, lawyar jokes, doctar jokes, childs jokes, childens jokes

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Monday, October 13, 2008

English jokes - Blonde in a Flight School ****

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A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

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Previous Joke

Friday, October 10, 2008

English funny comedy photos - An architecture

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An architecture

Banglow is good

Architecture is fine

But how should I go to balcony

If I want relax and take a sip of wine

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Wednesday, October 8, 2008

English Jokes - Blond Teacher Joke

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A blond teacher Dolly is is the english teacher in a school. She is very well known as all his students do very well in exams.

the classroom :


Dolly : " Students say - ASS"

Students (in chorus) : "ASS "


Dolly : " Students say - ASS, ASS behind ASS "

Students (in chorus) : "ASS, ASS behind ASS "


Dolly : " Students say - ASS, ASS behind ASS , behind ASS I "

Students (in chorus) : "ASS, ASS behind ASS , behind ASS I "


Dolly : " Students say - ASS, ASS behind ASS , behind ASS I and behind I the whole NATION "

Students (in chorus) : " ASS, ASS behind ASS , behind ASS I and behind I the whole NATION "


By this time the inspector is furious . He confronts the principal and shouts at him "What is this Dolly is teaching the students. She is supposed to be teaching english in the class and what she is saying is ASS, ASS behind ASS , behind ASS I and behind I the whole NATION "


The principle too is shocked , Dolly the famous english teacher doing this. He immediately sends for for Dolly.


Principal : " Dolly what nonsense are you telling these students, ASS, ASS behind ASS , behind ASS I and behind I the whole NATION " .


Dolly : " Yes I was saying all this in class, but I was only teaching the students the spellings of ASSASSINATION. "


ASS ASS I Nation


English jokes, English vinod, English latife, English chutkule, English fun, English funny kisse, English comedy, Hindi hasya, English laughter, English laughter challenge, English masti maja

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Friday, October 3, 2008

English Jokes - it hurts

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English Jokes - it hurts

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it


hurts."


The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"


The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch


my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really,really


hurts."

The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken


your finger!"


English jokes, English comedy, English gags, English latife, English chutkule, English songs, English comedy cinema, English hasya, English comedy express, English laugh, English varta, English news, English shayari

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Wednesday, October 1, 2008

English Jokes - Banta and ATM

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English Jokes - Banta and ATM

Banta Singh queuing behind his friend at an ATM Machine.

Friend: What are you looking at?

Banta Singh: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.

Friend: All right, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?

Banta Singh: four asterisks!


English jokes, English comedy, English chutkule, English comedy literature, English funy literature, English fun, English masti, English maja, English poems, English kavita, English sher shayari

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Monday, September 29, 2008

Comedy and stress hand to hand

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Comedy and stress hand to hand



comedy videos, ecomedy videos, comedy evideos, ejokes, english comedy videos, english comedy, english jokes, english gags, english fun, english efun, efun, egags

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Friday, September 26, 2008

English Jokes - House holder's Ears

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English Jokes - House holder's Ears


A dacoit robs a house. He collects all ornaments and money at one place and removing a big knife in front of Master of the house he asks,

" Come on.. tell me where is more money and ornaments ... otherwise I will cut your ears with this knife"

Master of the house , '' Please... for God's sake don't cut my ears... otherwise I will be blind"

" Blind?" The robber said in astonishment, " After cutting your ears, at the most you will not be able to hear... but how you would be blind?''

" Sir... If you cut my ears... How would I wear my spectacles?" Master of the house said.

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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

English Jokes - Girl's College

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English Jokes - Girl's College

Tom climbed on a tall tree and started shouting with joy, Swaying and hanging to a branch with one hand.

Andy was standing down, he asked with curiously,

" Hey Tom what happened?''

'' Hey from here a Girl's Engineering college is visible.. look... How stunning they are looking while playing tennis"

" Do one thing" Andy suggested.

"What?"

" Release the other hand too"

"Why?" Tom asked.

" You will come to see Girl's Medical college too" Andy said.

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English jokes, English comedy, English gags, English vinod, English hasya kavita, English comedy literature, English TV, English chutkule, English latife, English charolya, English comedy photos video

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Friday, September 19, 2008

English jokes - Office stress comedy videos

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English jokes - Office stress comedy videos




english jokes, english comedy, English gags, English entertainment, English jokes blog, English comedy blog, English comedy web site, English comedy portal

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Wednesday, September 17, 2008

English joks - Blonde in a Boeing

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A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane,a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."


She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts, "BE SILENT!"


There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

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Friday, September 12, 2008

English joks - Dumb blonds joks

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There was two dumb blonds that was walking down the street and they find a mirror and one of them picks it up and looks in it and says that face looks familiar. then the other blond takes it from her and says duh its me.

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Previous Joke

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

English joks - Three blonds - Blond joks

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Three blondes were stuck on an island. Then, a magic ferry appeared and gave them each a wish.

The first one asked to be really smart, so the ferry turned her into a red head and she swam off the island.

The second blonde asked to be even smarter, so the ferry turned her into a brunette and she built a boat and sailed off the island.

The third blonde asked to be smartest of them all and the ferry turned her into a man and he walked across the bridge.

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Previous Joke

Monday, September 8, 2008

When does the Bar Open?

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At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.


About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.


"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.


Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"


The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait,I can have room service send something up to you."


"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

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Friday, September 5, 2008

Rajnikant comedy

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comedy video, comedy video clip, jokes video, english comedy, english jokes, english joks, english gags

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Monday, September 1, 2008

English Jokes - Brain Pills

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A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at three small brown pellets in his hand. The bartender asked what they were, and the drunk replied "They are brain pills...they make you smart."

The bartender says excitedly, "Give me one." He snatches one from the drunks hand, and gulps it quickly down with water. In a few minutes he comes back over to the drunk and says he doesn't feel any smarter.

"You probably didn't take enough." So the bartender quickly gulps down another one.

Half an hour later the bartender asks for a third pill. This one he looks at with more care. He sniffs it, and tastes it slowly. "Why, this is nothing but sheep manure!"

"See," says the drunk, "you're getting smarter already."

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Friday, August 29, 2008

English jokes - $64k Question

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Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either partfirst. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.

"I'll try the easier part first."

The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation......

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Boxing cat - Comedy video clip

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Pet comedy, pet videos, pet comedy videos, pet funny videos, annimal comedy, animal comedy videos, animal gags, animal make you laugh, boxing animal, boxing pet

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Monday, August 25, 2008

English Jokes - Santa's illness

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A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, ''And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?'' Mr. Johnson replies, ''I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!''The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, ''Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...''Mrs. Johnson yells, ''STEVEN! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!''

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Previous Joke

Friday, August 22, 2008

English Jokes - Funny numbers

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Read all the Numbers... Slowly!! B Careful else u miss something..


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very good tomorrow we'll learn abc !

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Previous Joke

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Monday, August 18, 2008

Please pray for me!

Previous Joke

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Indeed its great pleasure to inform you know that my movie concept "Honey" / "Madhurani" is been selected for the first round of the Movie screenplay talent hunt contest "Sankalan", conducted by Mahindra and Manhindra group and Baiscope entertainment combinely. In the first round 24 entries are selected from 174 movie concepts. subsequently in the second round it will remain to 12, in third to 6 and in the last round only 3 entries will be selected.
Just pray for me that I could make those last 3!

Thanks!



http://www.baiscopeent.com/sankalan

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Previous Joke

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

English Jokes - Longform

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A comedy talent hunt program was going on a TV channel. A sardar participant in the program was very much proud of his presence of mind. The program judge decided to break his ego and asked him a first question, " Sardarji... What is the long form of SMS"

Sardarji promptly answered ," Sardar Manmohan Sing"

The public laughed.

The judge decided to trap him in the next question and asked him the second question, " "Sardarji... Now tell me ... What is the long form of MMS?"

Sardarji grinned and answered, " Simple... Mrs. Manmonhan Sing"

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Previous Joke

Friday, August 8, 2008

English Jokes - Mental institution

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In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.


"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.


Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"


"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.


"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"


"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike files.


When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.


The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"


"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"


"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.


But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

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Friday, August 1, 2008

God is watching

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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Friday, July 25, 2008

English applicant jokes - An application

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An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."


The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

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Thursday, July 24, 2008

English Joks - Responsible

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Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

English joks - Asprin

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A man walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"


"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.


"That's it, I can never remember that word."

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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

English Jokes - Optometrist

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Patient to optometrist: I’m very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?

Optometrist to patient: Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference.

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Monday, July 21, 2008

English jokes - I'm just trying to be helpful

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A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".


Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.


Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.


He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

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Friday, July 18, 2008

English Joks - Talented Dog

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A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.


Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

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Thursday, July 17, 2008

English Joks - Unlocking your car

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Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Walk on a water - Funy photo

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Ok, so everyone knows about the first two dudes to walk on water… Jesus and his apostle, Peter. Well there’s one more, and it happened recently and one of those running of the bulls events.



In case you’re from Guinness, I think his name was Jose from some place in Pamplona. In other news, we’ve been anxiously looking foward to PETA’s new “Running of the Nudes” event. Photographers are standing by.

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Monday, July 14, 2008

Thursday, July 10, 2008

One liner joks

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What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

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Wednesday, July 9, 2008

English joks - Crazy's Letter

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A crazy person was writting a letter.

Doctor asked him, " To Whom you are writting a letter''

Crazy - '' To myself''

Doctor, '' What did you write in a letter?''

Crazy, " I don't know... yet I have not received the letter"

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Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Joks - pianist

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A man comes into a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bar keeper brings him his beer. After he has drunk it, he grabs in his bag and puts a small piano on the bar, grabs in his bag and puts a small chair on the bar and grabs a third time in his bag and sits down a small man on that chair.
And the small man plays piano very well, a the most beatyful music they've ever heared. After he's finished, everyone applauds. And the bar keeper asks the man: "Where do you have it from? It's so wonderful."

And the man said: "I own an dgini-lamp. And so I got this by a wish of mine. Hey," he said to the bar keeper, "do you have a wish? You can wish you everything!"

>
"Me?", the bar keeper asks. "I have a wish for free? Coo-ool." Ok, no sooner said than done, the man grabs in his bag and gets out from it the meant lamp. He rubs at the side of the lamp and the dgini appeares: "Ok, budy. You have one wish for free." And the bar keeper says: "I wanna have one million dollars!" The dgini snap one's fingers and disapperes, and all over the bottom are dugs. Small, yellow cackling dugs. And the bar keeper said to the man: "But I wanna have dollars, not dugs." And the man: "Do you really think, I've asked for a 12 inches pianist?"

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Monday, July 7, 2008

English Joks - Across a river

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A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" And after a quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other side!"

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Friday, July 4, 2008

English joks - In the heaven

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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"


The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."


"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.


The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.


"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

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Thursday, July 3, 2008

Difference between Michael Jackson and Santa

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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa?
Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!

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Wednesday, July 2, 2008

English Joks - Hipnotism

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The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.


A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...


"Shit" said the hypnotist.


It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

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Monday, June 30, 2008

English Jokes - Night Watchman:

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Advertising sure brings quick results--last week I advertised for a night watchman--the same night my safe was robbed.

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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Comey video clip - Dancing baby

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The Dancing Baby, also known as "Baby Cha-Cha", refers to a 3D character and 3D-rendered animation of a baby dancing for several seconds. The video, one of the earliest examples of an Internet phenomenon, became popular in 19961997 after being distributed widely over the Internet. The dancing baby originated as a collection of experimental testing data and files, ultimately released in Fall/1996 as a product sample source file with the ground-breaking 3D character animation software product "Character Studio" that is used with 3D Studio Max (both products from Autodesk). The original sample source file was produced and prepared by the original Character Studio development team (Michael Girard, Susan Amkraut, John Chadwick, Paul Bloemink, John Hutchinson, Adam Felt) of Unreal Pictures and Kinetix (Autodesk). Part of the original Dancing Baby data consists of animation keyframes that were manually and automatically generated in the "Biped" portion of the Character Studio toolset. Contrary to popular misconceptions, the original Dancing Baby animation data (keyframes) were not created using motion capture at all.
Subsequent to its release, animators in the commercial sector have used or modified the Dancing Baby source file using the Character Studio product to produce different versions of rendered visualizations for use in media. This helped develop the Dancing Baby animation into a meme or media and internet phenomenon. The dancing baby video and its variations have appeared in a broad array of mainstream media, including television dramas (e.g. "Ally McBeal"), commercial advertisements, and music videos such as Blue Swede's cover of the song "Hooked on a Feeling (Ooga Chaka)." More stylized versions and parodies were created shortly thereafter, including a 'drunken baby', a 'rasta baby', 'samurai baby', and others many more.

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Monday, June 16, 2008

Animation Video clips gags - Hair Style

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Watch the Gags & funny cartoon created using flash and subsequently converted to .avi format.





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Friday, June 13, 2008

English Joks - pionist

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A man comes into a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bar keeper brings him his beer. After he has drunk it, he grabs in his bag and puts a small piano on the bar, grabs in his bag and puts a small chair on the bar and grabs a third time in his bag and sits down a small man on that chair.
And the small man plays piano very well, a the most beatyful music they've ever heared. After he's finished, everyone applauds. And the bar keeper asks the man: "Where do you have it from? It's so wonderful."

And the man said: "I own an dgini-lamp. And so I got this by a wish of mine. Hey," he said to the bar keeper, "do you have a wish? You can wish you everything!"

"Me?", the bar keeper asks. "I have a wish for free? Coo-ool." Ok, no sooner said than done, the man grabs in his bag and gets out from it the meant lamp. He rubs at the side of the lamp and the dgini appeares: "Ok, budy. You have one wish for free." And the bar keeper says: "I wanna have one million dollars!" The dgini snap one's fingers and disapperes, and all over the bottom are dugs. Small, yellow cackling dugs. And the bar keeper said to the man: "But I wanna have dollars, not dugs." And the man: "Do you really think, I've asked for a 12 inches pianist?"

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Previous Joke

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

English joks - Little Johnny

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Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"


English jokes, english joks, family joks, blond joks, laughter challenge, laughter, laugh and make laugh, english humor, english gags, english comedy, english comedy stories, standing comdy

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Friday, June 6, 2008

English joks - Blonde Diary

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January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.


February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.

Helllloooo!!! bottles won't fit in typewriter!


March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6

months.....box said "2-4 years!"


April - Trapped on an escalator for hours.....power went out!


May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water

won't fit into those little packets!


June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.


July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the

other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!


August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because

soft-top was open.


September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it?


November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per

pound and I weigh 108 lbs!


December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on

the stupid phone!


What a year!!

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Wednesday, June 4, 2008

English Joks : Priest and lady

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"


"Of course. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the

Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you

could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"


"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."


"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."


When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"


"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."


The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"


"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."


Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!

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Monday, June 2, 2008

English Joks - Reading Test

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1. This is this cat

2. This is is cat

3. This is how cat

4. This is to cat

5. This is keep cat

6. This is an cat

7. This is old cat

8. This is fart cat

9. This is busy cat

10. This is forty cat

11. This is seconds cat


Now read each line

Now go to the third word & read straight down..

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Friday, May 30, 2008

English Joks - The Old Man And The Parrot:

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An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

English Jokes :Notice

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While at the college a blond happened to watch the notice board.

It reads: Invites suggestions for the modification of Ladies Room.

blond writes under

Let the men Permit to Enter

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Monday, May 26, 2008

English Jokes - Two blonds

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First blond - You know I had fallen from the 10th floor when I was child.

Second Blond - Then? ... you did servived or died?

First Blond - I can't remember.. its very old incident ... you know.

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Friday, May 23, 2008

English jokes - The frog

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An older gentleman was playing a round of golf. Suddenly his ball sliced and landed in a shallow pond. As he was attempting to retrieve the ball he discovered a frog who, to his great surprise, started to speak! "Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a week." He picked up the frog and placed it in his pocket. As he continued to play golf, the frog repeated its message. "Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole month!" The man continued to play his golf game and once again the frog spoke out. "Kiss me,and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole year!" Finally, the old man turned to the frog and exclaimed, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog!"

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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

English jokes - Oxford

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Once an interviewer asks a question to a blond.

Interviewer - What is Ford?

Blond - Ford is a car

Interviewer - What is Oxford?

Blond - Ox is bull and ford is car. Therefore Oxford means bulluckcart

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Friday, May 16, 2008

Best english jokes - A dog with two mouths

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Tomy says - Yes , I have two mouths, with which mouth shall I tell so that you would believe.

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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

English top jokes collection - How do you confuse a blonde girl?

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Question - How do you confuse a blonde girl?

Answer - ...

...

Answer - Simple ... Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner!

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Monday, May 12, 2008

English jokes - Where is God ?

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Two brothers, about 8 and 10 years old, were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it usually turned out they had a hand in it.


Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them, so hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.


The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!"


The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.


The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"


The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.


Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"


Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"


The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.


He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."


The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"


His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

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Friday, May 9, 2008

English jokes: Clyde's Composition

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--->
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;

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Monday, March 3, 2008

Family English jokes - An elderly couple

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An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked
when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill

her
at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have

sex
again -- the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really

horny
over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep

downstairs
on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each

other
on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice

quavering.
"I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just

coming
upstairs to kill you!"

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Friday, February 29, 2008

Thermos flask (post-11)

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A blond goes into a store and sees a shining object. He asks the clerk,

"What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask."

The blond then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."

The blond says, "I'll take it!"

The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos.

His blond boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"

He said, "It's a thermos flask."

The boss then says, "What does it do?"

He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"

The blond replies, "Two cups of tea and a coke."

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Thermos flask (post-11)

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A blond goes into a store and sees a shining object. He asks the clerk,

"What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask."

The blond then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."

The blond says, "I'll take it!"

The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos.

His blond boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"

He said, "It's a thermos flask."

The boss then says, "What does it do?"

He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"

The blond replies, "Two cups of tea and a coke."

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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Math one-liner

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If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

How old are you?

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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six!” he said.

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Friday, February 15, 2008

Is there a way to thank you?

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"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."


American jokes, western jokes, jokes collection, funny jokes, new jokes, brand new jokes, jokes unlimited, every joke, new comedy, brand new comedy, comedy unlimited, western comedy, European comedy

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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Social Security

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A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

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Monday, February 11, 2008

A cool guy

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Husband - (to wife) My friend is so cool that whatever happens he never looses his mind.

Once we were standing below an appartment. A lady threw butter from her balcony and coincidently it dropped on my friends head.

Wife - Then .. .what did he say?

Husband - He looked up at the lady and said, ' My dear lady will you drop some bread too'

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Friday, February 8, 2008

Busy businessmen

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Two businessmen were talking in the party-

First - Nowadays I am so busy that I go to work before my kids wake up and come back after they sleep. Once I came home early. My daughter opened the door and asked, ' Whom do you want?'

Second - I am so busy that I could not get time even to eat.

First - Don't get time even to eat! Then how do you manage.

Second - I take lunch in the night and dinner in the morning.

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Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Electric Train

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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Sunday, February 3, 2008

Generous lawyer

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A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again."or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

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Friday, February 1, 2008

Make sure!

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Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'

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Monday, January 21, 2008

Sunday, January 20, 2008

what are you doing?

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Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises
coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked
down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to
the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom
light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and
saw his father removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell
his son.
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice."
replied his father.
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said,
"Well, what are you doing? .... Fucking them?"

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